Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
