she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
