just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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