I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
