I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
