Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
