Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
