Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
