On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
