Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
