Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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