I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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