He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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