At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
