i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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