you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
