i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
