remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
