My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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