"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
