Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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