Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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