porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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