I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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