Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The air was thick with penises
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
