When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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