He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
zippers are such a cool invention
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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