I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
