God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
