My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
