When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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