We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
