kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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