i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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