I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
