shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize