Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to make out with him forever
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
