he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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