How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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