Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
