im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
