Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
