you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize