Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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