I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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