Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
