Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
