evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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