I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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