I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
