im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
