I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can Purell be used as lube?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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