He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
